Hi Guys, I would like some feedback on the quality of my writing. I'm here to learn so please feel free to pick this apart.
The burning sensation from the CS gas was like nothing Sebastian had ever felt before. His eyes were on fire. As if someone had plunged two red hot pokers into both sockets, and his lungs were set ablaze with every breath. God give me the strength to finish your mission.
He thought as streams of tears trickled down his face, the salty liquid burning the irritated skin beneath.
His vision was blurry and rubbing his eyes only made the pain worse.
I must go on.
Through the haze, he could see Anna just a few feet in front of him, bleeding heavily from the wound on the back of her shoulder. “You can’t run Anna” Sebastian uttered through the pain and gritted teeth. ”This was always meant to be.”
A bitter cold wind swept through the empty skeleton of the apartment building, rustling the plastic sheets surrounding them and filling the air with dust. Ignoring his wounds, Anna moved towards a concrete staircase jutting out from the floor in the centre of the room. Reaching it, she glanced back towards him, and, for a moment, Sebastian was startled. He had seen that look only a few times before in his life, and certainly never amongst the apostates of his sacred campaign. As a child, he and his father would often set traps in the forest near Triberg where he grew up, and, on a few occasions, they had been unfortunate enough to come across Wolves who had taken an interest in the snared prey. On one such hunt, a large female, attracted by the calls of a dying Rabbit, had managed to get its leg caught in the noose.
“There's nothing more dangerous than a trapped animal.” his father had whispered, as the pair quietly approached the beast. Snarling, the wolf pulled against the strain of the wire, her lean physique showcasing the powerful muscles beneath her skin, like a bodybuilder posing on a stage. Through the darkness, Sabastian and his father crept closer, but as they emerged from the thick underbrush, instead of increasing its efforts to free itself, the wolf suddenly stopped, turned and faced her captors. The look across the animals face had always stuck with the young Sebastion, it was the same that had flashed across Anna’s a moment ago. Despite the danger. Despite the perils of her situation, where most people would be paralysed by fear. Praying to the holy father for salvation. Anna’s face, like the wolf, was consumed by a murderous rage.
In her urgency, Anna trips on a step and with no handrail for her to steady herself she falls, smashing her knee into the unforgiving cement. Howling with pain, she attempts to stand but collapses under the weight of her body.
“Give in, Anna.” Sabastian calls “Embrace your fate, and the Lord will remove your pain. For he is good to those who repent their sins”
“Fuck you.” Anna screams back at him. ”And fuck your God.”
Truly impressive. Sabastian thought as he reached the base of the stairs.
But like the wolf, this night will be your last.
“You cannot escape his judgement, Anna.” Sabastian preached.“I was like you once. A lost soul struggling for meaning in a world I no longer recognised, but once I embrace my fate, embraced the path that the Lord had chosen for me, I was set free from sin. He has a path for you too. A moment of pain in exchange for everlasting happiness.” He had hoped that these words would provide Anna with some comfort. After all, she was his chosen one. His magnum opus, and, once free from sin, would surely have a place next to him in the kingdom of heaven, but Sabastians message fell on deaf ears.
Ignoring him, Anna continued upward. Reaching out, grabbing the step overhead and pulling herself through the opening in the ceiling and onto the floor above.
The searing pain Sabastian had been fighting against was on the verge of overwhelming his senses. His vision was fading fast and he was doing everything he could not to throw up.
I must finish this now. Before I collapse. He thought, in between the pulses of agony that flowed through his body like waves lapping at the shoreline. Outside, far off in the distance, a storm was brewing.The low rumble of thunder and rain getting ever louder as it approached. Climbing to the top of the stairs, Sebastian caught up to Anna and In a final burst of energy, lunged forward grabbing her leg.
“Get off me” She screamed, turning over to face him.
“I’m sorry Anna, but we don't have any more time.” Sabastian replied coldly, raising the knife above his head, positioning the blade to deliver the final blow.
I am only the vessel for his will. Sabastian reminded himself, as he brought the knife down with all his strength.